Archive for September, 2008
Thought Leaders
Wednesday, September 24th, 2008 | Filed under: Douchewords | No Comments
I’m excited to announce that I’m working on a new screenplay for a superhero movie. It’s called “THOUGHT LEADERS” (all-caps, just like that), and it features ordinary people, thrown together by their extraordinary talent to lead people using only the power of their thoughts.
After all, isn’t that what we’re doing here? Indulging some under-achiever adolescent fantasy to just be noticed?
The phrase really is most useful when considered as a form of “merit badge”, designed to shore up the egos of executives who never actually quite get it right. It’s the corporate equivalent of a Bronze swimming medal, awarded to the kids who only made it out the pool alive because the lifeguard wanted to impress his girlfriend.
“Aww Timmy, Well done! Who’s a brave boy!”
Both situations are dangerous - the kid walks away thinking he can actually swim, and the “Thought Leader” walks away thinking that he actually has thoughts. Worse than that, though, is the implication encoded in the phrase that everyone else must be “Thought Followers”.
In the real world where most of us actually get our work done, anyone can (and frequently does) come up with important contributions - an inspired idea, an important-yet-overlooked limitation in the plan du jour, an inspired piece of design…
We all have unique talents or perspectives, and this is why - in a good working environment - the thinking is done by everyone working together.
Implying the existence of Thought Leaders devalues that process, and renders everyone else automatons. Let’s demonstrate with a short excerpt from my above-mentioned screenplay.
Fade in, INT, GLOBALMEGACORP INC. OFFICE
THOUGHT FOLLOWER: …so then I had a flash of inspiration and just deleted out entire sales database.
THOUGHT LEADER (panicky): What?! Why?!
THOUGHT FOLLOWER: Well, you said that our storage costs were too high and we should cut back on hard-disk usage. So I found the biggest thing we had and got rid of it. Voila, problem solved.
THOUGHT LEADER: Um, I don’t think you really thought about this, did you?
THOUGHT FOLLOWER (cheerily): ‘Course not, boss. That’s what we have you for.
The THOUGHT LEADER buries his head in his hands and begins to sob quietly, while the COMPANY CEO takes a run-up for his delivery of the WORLD’S LARGEST KICK UP THE ASS.
Fade out
Headcount
Wednesday, September 17th, 2008 | Filed under: Douchewords | No Comments
Oh, it’s you again. Hi.
No, no… don’t you… I can see your lips forming the word…
Don’t you dare call me a fucking resource.
There now, the urge is fading. The word is “people”, right?
…
Uh, what the fuck? What the fuck did you just call me?
“Headcount”?
Okay, now I’m really fucking confused. See, I’m pretty sure that when I started here I signed a contract with GiantCorp Inc. Yup, it’s right here - look.
It doesn’t say “the fucking Shuar tribe”, does it? Besides, I’d rather you didn’t “count” my head. Or shrink it. Or whatever. It’s doing important work, attached to my neck, thanks.
Or maybe you’re confused? Maybe you think this is a fucking girl scout troop and we’re about to get on a goddamn bus? Is this that kind of “headcount”?
We’ve been over this before - you work with people. They live, they love, they laugh; they have arms and hands and feet and torsos. And yes, heads too.
I’m sure healthcare benefits would be easier for you to manage if we were all brains in jars, but I’m also pretty sure the “become a brain in a jar” Strategic Initiative would lead to mass-resignations.
Now, at this point, I’d usually offer you some form of foot/rear-end interfacing arrangement, but given the subject matter, how about we skip all that and go straight for a boot to the head?
Yeah, you’re welcome.
Challenging Quarter
Wednesday, September 10th, 2008 | Filed under: Douchewords | No Comments
As expected, this has been a challenging quarter, reflecting the difficulties in any industry transformation of this scale. [...] Our realignment initiatives…
That’s anonymously quoted from a large conglomerate’s quarterly results. You have no idea who the fuck it is because I plucked it randomly from a search engine, and because all corporations talk like this. Half of you are now thinking “shit, was that us?” and trying to dig up copies of your company’s past quarterly releases.
I have a challenge in mind, a heartfelt plea if you will…
Corporate Communications Douchebags, unite!
See, you’re the guys with the finger on the trigger - the ones with the press-release fast-track to the AP newswire. And, by extension, you’re also the primary conduit for the dissemination of douchespeak into the wider world.
So, how about we all cut the crap for a moment? What the press release above was trying to say was this:
The past quarter was less enjoyable than a shit sandwich. We know it sucked. Hell, we had to compile the quarterly figures and it just made us kinda embarassed. We even considered fudging the numbers, but then we remembered that Enron shit from a few years back, so we figured we’d just have to take it on the chin.
Look, we’ve had some real douchebags working here - the kind of people who sit around all day saying “leverage our strategic objectives” and never refill the fucking coffee pot when they take the last cup. But the good news is, we’re firing those assholes. Possibly out of a cannon.
Please, someone, go ahead, publish that instead. At least I’d know you were telling the truth. At least I’d know you cared. Hell, if any company in America showed that much self-awareness I’d invest immediately.
Also, “realignment”? Realignment is a weasel-word, a “we don’t know what the fuck to do” word. It’s the “leverage” of quarterly failure.
Don’t tell me you “realigned”. What does that mean? Did you change the orientation of the cubicles in HQ so they face south?
“We fired 5000 people”? If that’s the truth then just say it. It’s unpleasant, but at least it shows you have a spine.
More likely, you re-titled your Chief Operations Officer to be the VP of Strategic Directions and bought some new company stationary.
In which case, your next quarter is going to be about as much fun as a shit sandwich. Or a repeated kick up the ass.
Humpday
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008 | Filed under: Douchewords | No Comments
I know, I know. The work week’s a damned chore.
And, let’s face it, you really expected that by now you’d have made your millions and be lounging on a yacht eating grapes from the delicate hands of nubile young debutantes.
Whereas, in actual fact, the highlight of your day is the exchange of meaningless gossip about last night’s American Idol while you wait for some godawful coffee to finish brewing in the world’s most broken coffee machine.
Sucks to be you.
But please, please, don’t refer to the middle day of the week as “humpday”. You’re my co-worker for God’s sake.
You might be the nicest person in the world; I might have a great, professionally-based friendship with you… but when you say “hump”, I think of the basest meaning of the word, the one that’s number 4 in the dictionary definition.
And the last thing I want to think about when we’re trying to agree on what we’re actually trying to bloody leverage is you, humping.
Sorry.
Thing is, “Wednesday” is a really awesome name for a day. It comes from “Wōdnesdæg” (Woden’s Day) or, in more familiar terms, “Odin’s day”.
Yes! The middle of the week is named after the fricking Chief God. And not just any fricking Chief God - the fricking Chief God of the fricking Vikings! Mad bastards with big boats, horny hats and a fanatical devotion to pillaging!
And if they heard you saying “humpday”, they’d burn down your village and kidnap your wife. Sometimes I wonder if I’m letting you off too lightly.