Challenging Quarter
Wednesday, September 10th, 2008 | Douchewords
As expected, this has been a challenging quarter, reflecting the difficulties in any industry transformation of this scale. [...] Our realignment initiatives…
That’s anonymously quoted from a large conglomerate’s quarterly results. You have no idea who the fuck it is because I plucked it randomly from a search engine, and because all corporations talk like this. Half of you are now thinking “shit, was that us?” and trying to dig up copies of your company’s past quarterly releases.
I have a challenge in mind, a heartfelt plea if you will…
Corporate Communications Douchebags, unite!
See, you’re the guys with the finger on the trigger – the ones with the press-release fast-track to the AP newswire. And, by extension, you’re also the primary conduit for the dissemination of douchespeak into the wider world.
So, how about we all cut the crap for a moment? What the press release above was trying to say was this:
The past quarter was less enjoyable than a shit sandwich. We know it sucked. Hell, we had to compile the quarterly figures and it just made us kinda embarassed. We even considered fudging the numbers, but then we remembered that Enron shit from a few years back, so we figured we’d just have to take it on the chin.
Look, we’ve had some real douchebags working here – the kind of people who sit around all day saying “leverage our strategic objectives” and never refill the fucking coffee pot when they take the last cup. But the good news is, we’re firing those assholes. Possibly out of a cannon.
Please, someone, go ahead, publish that instead. At least I’d know you were telling the truth. At least I’d know you cared. Hell, if any company in America showed that much self-awareness I’d invest immediately.
Also, “realignment”? Realignment is a weasel-word, a “we don’t know what the fuck to do” word. It’s the “leverage” of quarterly failure.
Don’t tell me you “realigned”. What does that mean? Did you change the orientation of the cubicles in HQ so they face south?
“We fired 5000 people”? If that’s the truth then just say it. It’s unpleasant, but at least it shows you have a spine.
More likely, you re-titled your Chief Operations Officer to be the VP of Strategic Directions and bought some new company stationary.
In which case, your next quarter is going to be about as much fun as a shit sandwich. Or a repeated kick up the ass.
No comments yet.