Posts tagged "hr"
Headcount
Wednesday, September 17th, 2008 | Filed under: Douchewords | No Comments
Oh, it’s you again. Hi.
No, no… don’t you… I can see your lips forming the word…
Don’t you dare call me a fucking resource.
There now, the urge is fading. The word is “people”, right?
…
Uh, what the fuck? What the fuck did you just call me?
“Headcount”?
Okay, now I’m really fucking confused. See, I’m pretty sure that when I started here I signed a contract with GiantCorp Inc. Yup, it’s right here - look.
It doesn’t say “the fucking Shuar tribe”, does it? Besides, I’d rather you didn’t “count” my head. Or shrink it. Or whatever. It’s doing important work, attached to my neck, thanks.
Or maybe you’re confused? Maybe you think this is a fucking girl scout troop and we’re about to get on a goddamn bus? Is this that kind of “headcount”?
We’ve been over this before - you work with people. They live, they love, they laugh; they have arms and hands and feet and torsos. And yes, heads too.
I’m sure healthcare benefits would be easier for you to manage if we were all brains in jars, but I’m also pretty sure the “become a brain in a jar” Strategic Initiative would lead to mass-resignations.
Now, at this point, I’d usually offer you some form of foot/rear-end interfacing arrangement, but given the subject matter, how about we skip all that and go straight for a boot to the head?
Yeah, you’re welcome.
Resources
Wednesday, August 27th, 2008 | Filed under: Douchewords | No Comments
I’m thinking “trees, maybe? Or a supply of clean water? Perhaps some ever-pricier oil?”
Admittedly, I work for what’s effectively a media company so I’d be pretty fucking impressed if it turns out we’ve got a secret drilling lease on a portion of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, but, y’know, you’re yammering on about “resources” so I figure there’s something pretty awesome going on here.
Right?
No?
Oh. When you said “resource”, you meant me?
Listen, fucko… I’m a person, not a “resource”. I enjoy an occasional glass of red wine, I really liked the new Batman movie and I hate working late because I want to get home and spend time with my girlfriend. I actually like my job here, too, when I’m not subjected to your douche-isms.
When did “people” become a taboo word in the office, anyhow? Have we depersonalised our working lives so far that we’re scared to acknowledge the very humanity of the people who work with us?
I’d blame whichever fucking resource originally coined the term “Human Resources”, but unfortunately their identity appears to be lost in the mists of time (aka, 1970).
Anyhow, focussing my rage again for a moment, when you talk about our “resources”, you’re using a really generic word…
…which makes it impossible for me to understand what the fuck you’re actually saying. Most businesses have all sorts of needs - people, paper, computers, concrete, planks, hops, angora wool… Probably not all at the same time, but see, you’ve got me all confused.
What are we even doing here? Writing a newspaper? Building a house? Making a website? Brewing beer? I forgot because I’m staring at a spreadsheet filled with nameless fucking resources.
Cut it out. People are people and everything else has an actual name too. If I hear the word “resource” one more time, I’m going to be depleting your resources…
…with a swift kick in the ass.